They claimed that energy and vibes aren’t deceiving. Ours began like any other stereotypical story about two people who met over social media. I’d like to think we were both overjoyed when we first saw each other after he accepted my Facebook friend request the night before. Long story short, we clicked and decided to meet and start dating.
He wanted us to spend more time getting to know each other, so we dated for four months. To tell you the truth, I didn’t think we’d last that long. I decided to give it a shot since I was tired of being in another short-lived and unhappy relationship. I started asking around the third month of dating. I told him that we both do not deserve the NO-Label type of relationship. However, he insisted that he had a target timeline and that he would give me his precious yes within the month of February. At the back of my mind, I felt worried as we were already having some bad episodes, especially when dealing with spending time together. I felt I was the only one heavily invested in our relationship. Most of the time, I thought I would get some lame answers and reasons from him on why he couldn’t commit to some of our supposed obligations as a couple. There were patterns that I noticed, and my heart clearly knew that some things were not okay, but my mind perceptibly kept on rationalizing everything, trying to put things in a better light. To be fair with him, I have also manifested bad patterns of behavior and it somehow alienated him and perhaps created more distance between us. I gave in to some of his reasons, like how he won’t meet me sometimes and why he is more cautious about using his phone when I’m around. I value personal space and privacy, thus I never demanded to get each other’s phone passwords and, technically, we were just dating, so I couldn’t ask much about who he was chatting with and his whereabouts whenever he would go to Cebu City and run some errands for school. But, of course, I did ask him directly about certain personalities whom I had not yet met.And I did my best to hide the doubt that I felt whenever I felt that he was not completely honest with his answers.
I must admit, I felt relieved and, at the same time, anxious. I felt hopeful as well and calmed myself with the idea that better days were coming for us as an official couple this time. The following week, I planned another getaway for us. We went camping at Mt. Naupa and had another memorable time together. I introduced him to my old friends and we decided to visit Masbate the next month during Holy Week. Another week had passed and we had another of our worst episodes. It’s still about how busy he was and why he couldn’t somehow post some pics of us on his FB timeline or mYdays. It became a big deal to me ever since we became official, as I just wanted some validation from him. I thought he didn’t need to put some captions about us, but at least he could post some glimpses of our moments. Most of the underlying issues we had when we were dating were highlighted again. I became aggressive with my accusations this time since I still got the same lame and questionable answers from him. It took 3 exhausting days without any updates before I gave in and contacted him. It’s the first time that we have not talked for a long time. This time I asked him the same question that he asked me when we were at Mt. Naupa.
The million dollar question was “if he cheated on me”. Sadly, he made many attempts to deny it. However, he was losing it and couldn’t deny it anymore. I was able to get the evidence I needed, but I cannot disclose the details as it’s personal and sensitive. At the end, I was able to get the answer. Although he was giving me different versions of how it happened, I still decided to stay. simply because I loved him that much. He had been chatting with the other guy since mid-December last year. It gradually dawned on me why I had those unsettling feelings whenever he would go to Cebu City or whenever he was cautious about using his phone around me. Those unexplainable times when he was unavailable. He lied about his whereabouts, continued to go back and forth with his choices, and won’t take responsibility for his actions. I felt as though the entire time I had with him was all a lie. Perhaps I was in denial, so I begged at first. I negotiated with him and we made some deals and arrangements on how to move forward. He was able to express all the things that he kept and how he resented me for the pressure that I put on him. I told him that it would never be easier this time since we resented and lost trust in each other.
That same week, after that painful revelation, it would be our first month anniversary as a couple, so I again expected that perhaps he would have prepared something. It was Sunday, and I understood that he also had to attend the burial of his friend’s mom. The time passed, but I never received any greetings, so I posted a picture on myday with the caption “happy 1st monthary” in an attempt to remind him. As soon as he noticed the post, he also posted a picture of us with a little caption that says, 1st. I would have appreciated it, but I was reminded of the cheating he did since the picture he posted was taken on Valentine’s Day. A day prior to when he finally met the guy. Instead of saying sorry or perhaps personally meeting me and celebrating the supposed first month, he chose to meet his friends. I get that he needed to meet his friends and ask for help and tell them about our issue. However, I just don’t get why he simply manages to shut me out. I was the one who communicated back, since I never heard from him and his friends after their meet up.
Since that day, everything has been going downhill.I was obsessing and worrying about the state of our relationship. I couldn’t help it. I poured out all my time and effort into finding ways to spend time together. There were times I said things to see if I could get a reaction out of him that he at least cared about, but it always backfired on me. It was like playing mind games with him whenever the questioning led to heated discussions. Since he can only express himself well in writing, I let him pour out his heart via chat. I tried my best not to intimidate him and just accepted whatever he said and felt so that he could see that I acknowledged and listened. The last argument we had that resulted in another blow to our relationship was when he attended an event and promised that he would call me once he got to the place. Due to mistrust, I reminded him to behave and make good choices and that he would update me from time to time. However, as the time passed by, there was no call. I was about to start my shift and my lunchbreak would be either 12 mn or 1 am. Thus, I decided to ask him about the promised call. The only reason he could give was that he forgot to set a time for when he was going to call. He simply forgot. Just like he forgot about our first month, What was really frustrating is that he didn’t even want to see me and talk about it. I get that he doesn’t want any heated arguments again, but I just don’t get why it’s easier for him to just shut me out. Maybe it’s the avoidant attachment that he’s manifesting, because I was also having anxious attachment issues. The betrayal and the resulting stress, feelings of distrust, pain, and shock destroy everything that we had. The struggle to save the relationship was a losing battle.
In other words, the relationship was over a long time ago. I felt he couldn’t be trusted and didn’t know how to stay committed. On the eve of our supposed second month anniversary, we broke up. We both knew this was coming. Things happened. He was unsure all along. I stayed true, honest, and loyal. I would like to believe that he loved me. But then he cheated and failed me. The one thing that went through my mind was: do I deserve all this? I had so many questions to the point that I was also questioning my worth. Did I choose the wrong person? Am I the wrong person for him? I was clearly obsessing about the breakup and thought about what I could have done. After some time, I realized I couldn’t change anything that happened, and whatever he did, it reflected on him and not me. I am not responsible for the poor choices he made. He may have reasons for doing it, but I’ve decided it has nothing to do with me.I am not to blame. I admit, I got so scared of leaving. But staying hurts more and I have to cut the cord that ties and keeps me trapped and afraid to trust and love again. Moving forward, I know I have a lot to work on for myself. I need to deal with this new reality and learn how to get over the feeling of being cheated on. Either way, I’ll be looking forward to the time when I can just laugh about it and won’t feel anything towards him. It fucking hurts right now, but this too shall pass.